A Letter to You, You Never Will Read

Dear Amber,

You once were a very important and impactful person in my life. Whether or not you knew it, your companionship painted wonderful colours in my dark sky.  Knowing that I had you to turn to when things went wrong always put a smile on my face, and knowing that I had you to share my excitement with went things went well always reassured my heart that I had you by my side. For such a random person, one that in another life I would be unlikely to ever cross paths with, to take such a big seat in my heart is unfathomable.

What’s disappointing is not that the time we shared felt so short, nor that I feel like you left too soon. What’s disappointing is that I felt like it was just beginning. I felt like our relationship was just starting to blossom, that we were just beginning to discover the intricate beauties that our two lives could create together. To say that you left too soon would be to say that in that short amount of time, I was able to enjoy the whole of you and your being. But that is not the case. You came, and then you left and took parts of you that I did not even know existed because I never got the chance to discover them. What’s disappointing is the wonderful infinity that we could have wandered into had you not left, the wonderful infinity that now just floats in oblivion, never to be touched again except by my thoughts and heart that miss you so dearly.

I to this day ask myself what happened, what I could have done differently, maybe what my life would be like if you were still in it…what it could be like if you had stayed. I blame life for being so cruel, for taking away the ones I love most because it doesn’t value my happiness as much as I do. I also blame myself for letting you go so easily. I blame myself for your tears that I did not wipe away. I blame myself for the fight that I did not have the willpower to win, I blame myself for the weak grip that I had on your hand. I blame myself for the loss of one of my greatest loves in life.

But over time, I have come to heal. I have come to realise that life does indeed move on, with or without you. My tears and sadness slowly evolved back into smiles and laughter. My mind stopped being drowned out by the thoughts of you, and my heart stopped sinking through my chest as the clock ticked by. I have learned to live my days without you in them, and I have learned to find happiness and companionship in others around me. I have also rebuilt that wall around my heart that you knocked down when you left, but that’s not your fault. That’s life.

You love and you lose, but it is always for the better. I suppose it takes time to find the value in pain, but once you do, you realise that though the pain may last for only a little while, the impact that love has on your life will last forever. I will always wish that you hadn’t left so soon, but the gift and blessing of a relationship as great as yours is that with or without you standing right beside me, you will always sit with me in my heart. It has been a long time since we have laughed together and cried with each other, but to this day, those laughs still fuel my happiness and those tears still comfort my sadness. You may have come into my life for what only felt like seconds, but undoubtedly left a mark that will last a lifetime. 

So for that, thank you. I wish that you had stayed, but I thank you for leaving. I thank you for teaching me the value in pain, the strength that blooms and is nourished by the loss of someone you love. I thank you for entangling a piece of me within yourself because a piece of you is also entangled within me. And so though you may not always be in my life, it is a fact of life that most people won’t be. But to the ones who come and go, it is the ones who leave a part of them with us that matters. The ones who come and go, but also choose to allow a piece of their hearts to stay forever.

Cherrie